Cobweb (2023) - #barbencobwebheimer
Cobweb is a horror movie starring Lizzie Caplan, Anthony Mackie, and Cleopatra Coleman. It's a halloween movie inexplicably released in August on the same day as Barbie and Oppenheimer.
Watch the Cobweb (2023) Trailer Here
00:00:00 The Mick, Twister, Die Hard With A Vengeance, Burn (and other gas station movies), and Michael F#$%ing Landon!
00:11:00 Cobweb Spoiler Free Review
00:13:41 Summary/Discussion/Spoilers
Next Time: The Pope's Exorcist
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Transcript
Cobweb
[:[00:00:22] Scott: Does this hold up? And just what the hell is a good movie anyway? I'm Frank Roll. I'm Scott Moran. And we're the Last Video Store
[:[00:00:36] Scott: We watch that show, The Mick. No. It's not a racist thing. I don't know. Her name's Mickey. Oh. They call her The Mick. I don't know though. It's, uh, Oh, you never watched It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, did you? Negative. That's really weird, man. Negative
[:[00:00:53] Scott: Godfather? Don't tell anyone that ever.
[:[00:01:09] Frank Roll: one of
[:[00:01:21] Scott: But you wake up, like, right when he's being born again and then he's old and dies. You know,
[:[00:01:33] Scott: cool? You saw 2001 Space Odyssey at school when you were eight?
[:[00:01:40] Frank Roll: I feel like I was eight, and they let us watch that in school, because I feel like it was the other teacher next door who had it. And like, our teacher was like, oh, well, hey, we'll do that after you.
[:[00:01:57] Scott: Well, I
[:[00:01:59] Scott: Northwethothon. Northwethothon.
[:[00:02:13] Scott: know. Anyway, the point is I watched The Mick with Caitlin Olsen. Oh God, we just got there. Yeah, yeah. How was it? She's in It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
[:[00:02:29] Frank Roll: is. No, I mean, I'm bad at that. If I miss season one of something, I'll wait like five years before I start it. You know, I'm like, I just want to get, I want to let it get ahead.
[:[00:02:38] Scott: is very funny. It's Always Sunny. The Mic. It's Always Sunny is just like the funniest show ever. I know. It's my
[:[00:02:49] Scott: up again, okay? I mean, I could just be envious of you that you have like fucking 15, 18 seasons of fucking It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
[:[00:03:17] Scott: Actually, we were like, you know what, I kind of want to remember how to fill the jug of water. Oh yeah, the weight one. Yeah. Yes. You have to put exactly four, I
[:[00:03:29] Scott: kept finding quarters in the pocket. It's so good. It's really, really good. It really holds up, too.
[:[00:03:35] Frank Roll: good story, too. You know, classic heist. But it's
[:[00:03:53] Scott: Not a cop. Zeus. Zeus.
[:[00:04:02] Scott: that we watched Twister.
[:[00:04:07] Frank Roll: I don't
[:[00:04:16] Frank Roll: So what got me was, there was a fake trailer. But I knew it was a fake trailer because I recognized some of the movies that Helen Hunt was in that were in the trailer and I was like, that's a fake trailer.
[:[00:04:40] Frank Roll: It's a
[:[00:04:47] Frank Roll: We've got cows. Joe! We've got cows. I'm right here, Joe. Yeah, it's like a natural disaster and it's like, let's talk about the divorce papers.
[:[00:05:05] Scott: I think he did. Did he?
[:[00:05:09] Scott: Dude, I think he might've. Dude, Michael fucking Crichton. Michael Crichton. Wrote Twister? And Anne Marie Martin, whoever that is, let's find out who Anne Marie Martin is. It's not
[:[00:05:24] Scott: Hurd. She wrote a movie called, oh, she's an actress.
[:[00:05:33] Frank Roll: was one of my summer kids movies. That would be on TV, Highway to Heaven. It was up there with the Chips block.
[:[00:05:44] Frank Roll: go and help people, right?
[:[00:05:52] Scott: I remember people really liking fucking Michael Landon run the commercials the Michael Landon collection And it was like, you know, all of Highway to Heaven.
[:[00:06:16] Frank Roll: Those commercials were fucking cool though, and I wanted so many of those things. There were some good collections out there, but now the collections are streaming.
[:[00:06:40] Scott: Man, hope the server
[:[00:06:51] Scott: Internet. On Amazon.
[:[00:07:10] Frank Roll: And I was looking at the newer ones, and I was like, damn, it's already been a while. That Ghostbusters was the last one. Wanted to watch it, and that was my deal.
[:[00:07:32] Scott: with pizza with pizza. How was it? Eh, like, yeah, I'm getting an eh from your forehead. Not bad.
[:[00:07:41] Frank Roll: Just it it was what I expected, but it was that main character She was dark like she had some shit going on There were just these little things but uh and different but same same same but different, you know I mean, I don't I do know I don't even want to get into it. Just if you're curious watch it It's not bad and it's got Peter.
[:[00:08:19] Scott: You know, like where everybody's stuck
[:[00:08:23] Scott: station ones than that. Maximum Overdrive. Gas station. Trapped at the gas station. Yep.
[:[00:08:32] Scott: I feel like Feast, maybe? Maybe that was like a motel or something. Feast was good. The Project Greenlight movie?
[:[00:08:53] Frank Roll: God, like what was the diameter of fucking, uh, dude, his neck was huge, man.
[:[00:09:05] Frank Roll: Like, what happened to the neck size of Henry Rollins?
[:[00:09:14] Frank Roll: you know he's still like, probably like hardcore in there, you know?
[:[00:09:21] Frank Roll: strong. I wouldn't want to get, you know, head butt. From that, dude. No way. Yeah, that's terrifying.
[:[00:09:31] Frank Roll: I mean, yeah, it's a momentum thing. Yeah. Yeah. Range of motion.
[:[00:09:36] Scott: gah! It's easier to, like, bend your whole body like a, like an elbow. Punch you with your whole body.
[:[00:09:58] Scott: Do you think future generations of people are going to associate their grandfathers with eating raisins like we do?
[:[00:10:06] Scott: I love that shit. Uh, didn't
[:[00:10:13] Scott: yeah, what's that? Hmm,
[:[00:10:23] Scott: Florida Gators.
[:[00:10:27] Frank Roll: that's where it comes from, right? Yeah.
[:[00:10:39] Frank Roll: know? Like a special store? Is there something with more than one story
[:[00:10:44] Scott: And they're like, we already make cucumber lime, what else do you fucking want? How much wackier can it get? I don't know, watermelon starfruit or something?
[:[00:10:56] Scott: five. What flavor of Gatorade did you drink while you watched
[:[00:11:00] Frank Roll: I didn't. I do like the green apple
[:[00:11:12] Frank Roll: I almost went and saw with my neighbor, dude, but it was on a Sunday night before I had a really fucked up Monday. So I call it because it started at eight.
[:[00:11:33] Frank Roll: Ohhhh. FYI. FYI. So yeah. Ohhhh. I was gonna go Sunday night at 8, and I was like, I'm gonna do it. And then I, just like Sunday afternoon, I was like, fuck.
[:[00:11:54] Scott: The hashtags, Barbenheimer. Yeah. But it didn't say Barbenheimer cobweb. No,
[:[00:12:03] Scott: Yeah. It was fucking like where it came from is just kind of strange to me. But man, it made me really intrigued. And weird summertime horror movie. You never know about a summertime horror movie.
[:[00:12:25] Frank Roll: know, year round. October!
[:[00:12:30] Scott: Talk to me. The hand. Talk to the hand. From Adam's family? No, the A24 movie? The Oh,
[:[00:12:50] Frank Roll: But, uh, well, yeah, cobweb, though,
[:[00:12:57] Frank Roll: was, I didn't want to say predictable. Like there were parts that I definitely called
[:[00:13:04] Frank Roll: say. I was just off a little bit. I was off a little bit. I wasn't quite on it with the final.
[:[00:13:16] Frank Roll: movie. The end, I thought, I was like, Is this what, who settled on this?
[:[00:13:23] Frank Roll: Who settled on this as
[:[00:13:31] Frank Roll: that.
[:[00:13:41] Scott: Yeah. And I'm going to try to summarize this movie, but this was really hard. So I kind of got really. Yeah, like I can kind of summarize this movie, but Peter is afraid of the knocking on his wall every night and soon the source of the Wrapping reveals itself to be a young girl trapped in the wall and his parents deny that anything is fucking wrong He's also being bullied at school And when the kids draw Halloween drawings it raises the concern of his new substitute teacher divine M from infinity pool
[:[00:14:29] Frank Roll: that. Hey, do people really still get expelled? They call it expelled?
[:[00:14:38] Scott: you can still get expelled. Yeah, it's
[:[00:14:45] Scott: consciously Uncoupling. Oh what that's what people call divorces. I think sometimes something like that.
[:[00:14:55] Scott: shit, but after the voice claims to be a sister then it says that That there's like a dead girl in the backyard, and that the girl who was missing down the street from Halloween and the reason the kid couldn't trick or treat.
[:[00:15:18] Scott: Yeah, yeah, anyway, the girl wants out the wall. Peter becomes super desperate to get away from his parents, and uh, spoilers, he kills his fucking parents.
[:[00:15:28] Frank Roll: Yeah, I mean, it had a flow until the end, that ending. I want to get to this because I have very few notes, very few. I have very few notes. I have almost no notes. Yeah. Very few. I mean, there's a whole line for just the title and the year and the IMDb rating. That's a whole line.
[:[00:15:49] Scott: One of your notes was what it was rated on IMDb. Yeah. I think that I put that at the, uh, summary
[:[00:16:06] Scott: its first week.
[:[00:16:09] Frank Roll: didn't see one fucking
[:[00:16:17] Frank Roll: it went I see Barbie com I see Barbie commercials. I see Oppenheimer shit. Trailers just all over the place.
[:[00:16:34] Scott: No, I started seeing it on IMDB. Bad timing, but also it wasn't, I don't regret watching cobweb at all. No, no, no. I
[:[00:16:42] Frank Roll: I don't regret it at all. The ending! It was written by Chris Thomas Devlin, was directed by Samuel Bowden, and Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg, James Weaver, Roy Lee, and John
[:[00:17:01] Scott: It got creepy at
[:[00:17:02] Scott: It did get creepy at times
[:[00:17:07] Scott: like a half jump No, I didn't get any I was a little pissed off that the really scary scene in the trailer was a dream Oh where she's running down the door. Yeah. Yeah, like that was still spooky But it was a dream and I was like, well,
[:[00:17:24] Frank Roll: Cobweb stars. Woody Norman is Peter Lizzie Kaplan is Carol Peter's mom. Anthony star is Mark Peter's father. Cleopatra Coleman is Ms. Divine. Luke Busey is Brian Alexander Dragova as Sarah. Dragova, watch it just be Dragova. Anyway, I apologize if I butchered the name. Debra Wilson is the voice of Monster Sara.
[:[00:17:47] Scott: Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, man. No way. She's a fucking Jedi in that video game, man. I'm
[:[00:17:55] Scott: Mad TV. Yeah, like fully sleeved up too.
[:[00:18:02] Frank Roll: She's like, Dude, she's covered. No, she was funny as shit.
[:[00:18:18] Frank Roll: face. Badass. That's awesome.
[:[00:18:27] Scott: score. I don't think it deserves such a high score.
[:[00:18:39] Scott: I mean, that's only like a couple points less.
[:[00:18:44] Frank Roll: true story. It's, it's the difference between a five and a six man. It's like, you're still rounding up with a 5. 9, but it's
[:[00:18:56] Frank Roll: Um, so, but honestly, so
[:[00:19:07] Scott: There's like, no trivia for it, but one of the trivia things somebody had posted on IMDB was that this was like, a modern retelling of the Telltale Heart. And I was like, no it fucking isn't. No. Don't read it. You never
[:[00:19:25] Frank Roll: Quit reaching. I mean, but the cast. Lizzie Caplan, if you're a Mean Girls fan. I like Lizzie Caplan. Um,
[:[00:19:40] Frank Roll: right before she gets it? Right before. Yeah, okay. Um, and Anthony Starr.
[:[00:19:49] Scott: Nah, I wasn't. I was like, dude. I like him this way. Banshee, he is the good guy, but he's also kind of a
[:[00:19:59] Scott: dated, but it is really good.
[:[00:20:01] Frank Roll: expressions. Just, uh, I guess the disgust that he can express with his eyes and his... Yeah, just right there in the center of the face like that. His look of disgust would make me feel like a fucking piece of nothing.
[:[00:20:14] Frank Roll: was nice. Part of me thought this movie was supposed to take place in the 80s.
[:[00:20:18] Scott: was not. There was an iPhone. An iPhone.
[:[00:20:24] Scott: been in the 80s. Could have been in the 70s even, maybe.
[:[00:20:36] Scott: This was a very atmospheric movie.
[:[00:20:40] Frank Roll: cartoony. Did we ever get a state where they were supposed to be at? Like a location?
[:[00:20:55] Scott: Is this a Halloween movie? This is for sure a Halloween movie. Not a Halloween franchise movie. But it's a Halloween movie. It's a movie that takes place on Halloween. It's seasonal. It's a little weird that it came out in August.
[:[00:21:11] Scott: them out there. We have this Halloween movie.
[:[00:21:17] Frank Roll: Nobody's gonna go check out either one. We got a chance, guys! They're saying there's a
[:[00:21:25] Frank Roll: was what happened which sucks parts of this movie I was down. I was I was curious. I was like, where's this going?
[:[00:21:44] Scott: foots. There were a lot of, like, misdirects throughout the movie, too. Ton of them. Like, where they were like, oh, maybe it's this.
[:[00:21:56] Frank Roll: ha ha ha ha ha. But, I mean, it was enough to throw me off from time to time. I can appreciate it. My mind started to wander a bit, you know, you start to kind of manifest what you're thinking is going to happen next. I
[:[00:22:11] Scott: That was pretty good. He's got a good horror movie moment.
[:[00:22:18] Scott: so Moby. I thought the acting was inconsistent between people. Like I thought Lizzie Kaplan was just fucking nailing this. Anthony star was also. Killing it and then this kid was a little too confident.
[:[00:22:51] Scott: Why is it jealous of him?
[:[00:22:58] Scott: so it's the classic girl in the attic thing, you know, Deformed kid in the attic.
[:[00:23:13] Scott: Yeah, it was a spider girl.
[:[00:23:23] Scott: teeth. I'm not sure if it looked good or bad to me, though. Like the, the special effect.
[:[00:23:31] Scott: but Yeah, like it kinda looked like it belonged in Coraline or something like that, you know?
[:[00:23:36] Frank Roll: or even some of that shit that I have no idea what I'm talking about so I'm not even gonna dabble. But you know, um, there's a character out there, I wish I knew more, but there's something out there that looks just like how she did in the face. It was creepy, it was fucking creepy, but you're like, wait, well so like, is this a supernatural
[:[00:23:52] Scott: It's like how we got there, though. These little doors on the wall. Where did these fucking little doors come from? Yeah, was this
[:[00:24:01] Scott: for that kind of shit? Yeah, it's like, it means you made the door to the basement small enough because you wanted to hide it behind the fridge. Mm hmm.
[:[00:24:11] Frank Roll: dungeon with the, with the metal grate?
[:[00:24:26] Scott: Yeah, and then how did they
[:[00:24:30] Scott: And is it like a black Christmas thing where the thing got loose inside the house? It's in the walls of the house. Okay, and if we want to
[:[00:24:44] Frank Roll: For
[:[00:24:56] Frank Roll: I didn't know if we wanted to get into the slaughter moment at the end of the movie yet, but, I mean, You know, with the strength that you see that she has later.
[:[00:25:09] Scott: wall! So the door is a magic door, which she was waiting for this kid to be old enough, to be strong enough to move the clock? Like, that's, that's how I have to get out. Or
[:[00:25:21] Frank Roll: Like, to handle the task at hand. It
[:[00:25:26] Frank Roll: house. Yeah, so, I mean, but was there, there wasn't anything that mentioned like, Oh, spells are involved, or, you know, there's any sort of like, Witchcraft, or, like, you know, just something for a barrier? You know, like a spiritual barrier of sorts?
[:[00:25:46] Scott: is with this kid pushing people downstairs? Because she just tells him he needs to make this bully really remember.
[:[00:25:57] Scott: That the kid was fucked up, or...
[:[00:26:03] Scott: Push that yeah, he decided to push this kid down the stairs and then later he decides to push his fucking mom down the stairs
[:[00:26:14] Scott: That's true, and he was hell bent on keeping this thing in the walls.
[:[00:26:19] Frank Roll: And and by the it's one where they throw it at you, you know, like you may have suspected that was coming
[:[00:26:33] Frank Roll: liked the placement. I was fine with the placement. That was, it was a good moment.
[:[00:26:38] Scott: right there. Yeah, but were you like, oh, I see.
[:[00:26:48] Scott: happened, it sort of confused me.
[:[00:27:04] Frank Roll: That's something that's been in, you know, films before. Like, hey, somebody locked it up for a reason. Jumanji, it's fucking chained up, man. You know what I mean? Fucking drums coming out of a board game. Yeah, don't fucking touch it. Let's start
[:[00:27:21] Scott: But you're a kid and you're like, it's
[:[00:27:27] Scott: it. You always say don't fuck with it. Sometimes you don't fuck with it. It's a There wouldn't be any of these movies if people didn't fuck with it, though. We need people to fuck with it. I'm out here trying
[:[00:27:38] Frank Roll: You see that shit? Don't fuck with it. You don't know when it's coming. Fucking aliens are real. So,
[:[00:27:53] Frank Roll: out and killed her. Okay. Something happened. The daughter, that's my best.
[:[00:27:59] Frank Roll: It wasn't made clear? But, because it's one of those, um, you wanna talking about, uh, misleading people? You
[:[00:28:12] Frank Roll: it was, so, sister in the wall is like, hey, check the backyard, dead body. Implying that the parents did crazy shit, kidnapped the girl, my first theory, right?
[:[00:28:40] Frank Roll: She didn't, it wasn't, she didn't get the old Oswald. So
[:[00:28:47] Frank Roll: documented. This the books. If that wasn't documented, I'm sure that would explain it. They went for the natural birth at home. Let's go that route. But with the kid in the backyard. Okay, we're done with this.
[:[00:29:08] Scott: No, they're pumpkins. We're not doing
[:[00:29:12] Frank Roll: That's creepy as fuck. A backyard full of pumpkins? Unless you're going for some kind of fucking HOA
[:[00:29:25] Frank Roll: went to work. She was a stay at home mom. Um, you could tell she didn't socialize much.
[:[00:29:47] Frank Roll: Well, okay, here's one of the deleted scenes. Stay at home weird ass Lizzie Kaplan mom. It's like her at Starbucks, but she's just like the weird fucking crazy chick. But like, that explains why she doesn't go anywhere. But she wants Starbucks. I'm Cobweb's
[:[00:30:05] Frank Roll: Don't let her out.
[:[00:30:11] Scott: I'm not going to lie. During the time, like right after it got out, I kept going, I'm going to get you because all of a sudden I was like, Oh, right. The bully subplot. It's back. I forgot all about
[:[00:30:27] Frank Roll: They had
[:[00:30:31] Frank Roll: scary mess. They were ready to go full on fuckin purge over pushing Lil Cuz down the staircase.
[:[00:30:41] Frank Roll: Yeah, you think some shit's about to go down, well, like, now some shit is going down.
[:[00:30:49] Scott: killed Mom and Dad. But the
[:[00:30:57] Scott: does she control spiders? She keeps them in her hair.
[:[00:31:01] Scott: one all the way to the school?
[:[00:31:22] Scott: It talked too much. It would have been one thing if it was just like a little talking in the beginning. But I think they had to make it, like, convince him to kill his parents. So it had to be
[:[00:31:35] Scott: That she was just some spider girl in the wall.
[:[00:31:38] Frank Roll: mean, in the strength. Like, in what? Was she trained? What, did she, what was she, was she killing rats up there getting practice with her slash moves or what?
[:[00:31:53] Frank Roll: when somebody was going through the house, was it the teacher or the kid or both?
[:[00:32:02] Scott: a creature feature no
[:[00:32:11] Scott: Yeah, and I like a good ceiling crawl.
[:[00:32:14] Frank Roll: can like lift up a young adult male while clinging to the ceiling. How does that strength develop? I mean, was that just part of the whatever?
[:[00:32:31] Scott: The kid is disturbed. There's no sister in the
[:[00:32:48] Frank Roll: But, um, no, I mean, good thing they brought the bully back. Good touch. You know,
[:[00:33:00] Frank Roll: I mean, even in Twilight Zone, you know, they didn't give up on that weird little fucker.
[:[00:33:06] Scott: kid? The one that made Homer Simpson go through the field goal?
[:[00:33:19] Scott: I think they hired her as a tutor or a nanny or something.
[:[00:33:24] Scott: use the phone?
[:[00:33:35] Frank Roll: So yeah, little disappointing that the trailer that sucked us in turned out just to be a dream, thought it was going to be supernatural. Was it supernatural?
[:[00:33:45] Frank Roll: not
[:[00:33:47] Scott: It's not natural for spiders to obey your whim and live in your hair.
[:[00:33:52] Scott: walls. This is like a Black Christmas
[:[00:33:57] Scott: What's that have to do with like, witches in the woods? That's not the same. I know it's not.
[:[00:34:04] Frank Roll: of so much better than which I liked this movie
[:[00:34:11] Frank Roll: what are you talking about? What even is that? I don't know if I watch it again. I liked it though. I like yeah
[:[00:34:25] Scott: Okay.
[:[00:34:33] Scott: the way they did? What exactly about the ending did you, are you? Okay. So, I mean, I kind of feel like it just ended where, where it had to.
[:[00:34:46] Frank Roll: Let's just go, she's trapped teacher, kid, or safe. And she's like giving him the fucking, I'm going to strike fear into you for life speech, but it was just so flashy. Like it was like, and then like you expect. Like a flashback to her in the pit, them walking up the stairs from the basement, something, you know what I mean that yeah, but not even the, that's one option.
[:[00:35:10] Scott: going to be like a weird way to set up the sequel. Like, don't forget I'm still here.
[:[00:35:21] Scott: yeah, he's going to be like an adult, but like, it'd be like Billy and gremlins do very fragile into work at an apartment store.
[:[00:35:34] Frank Roll: in New York.
[:[00:35:40] Frank Roll: I think you have the way you got excited about it. I feel like that's when you probably have shown me before. It's very possible. What was that when you got monkey shines? Monkey Shines. Yeah, I watched that. George Romero. Yeah,
[:[00:35:54] Scott: On a lot of cocaine. What the fuck
[:[00:35:58] Scott: first half of Monkey Shines is like, it's legit like it's about a man dealing with like A horrible tragedy. Whereas like fiance leaves him because he is a quadriplegic and all this stuff. Yeah. He's just the
[:[00:36:14] Frank Roll: It's a hard movie. It's it's hard movie. He does a
[:[00:36:22] Scott: And then the second half of the movie is this crazy shit with this fucking monkey, you know, it's like a Cujo with a monkey in a house with a razor blade.
[:[00:36:38] Scott: Exorcist.
[:[00:36:40] Frank Roll: next. Have you seen, has Russell Crowe been in a horror movie
[:[00:36:52] Scott: Shit scared the hell out of me.
[:[00:37:10] Frank Roll: com.
